| in the blink of an eye.... |
[28 Nov 2007|12:11am] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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silence motherfuckers |
] |
lately shit's been moving too fast for me
i almost lost it today at work
that fucking bottle, i shouldn't of picked it up today....
almost losing your job, a job that you've strived in...fucking scary
and on top of that shit, i almost relapsed.....almost....
i noticed the tell tale signs and took it out before i could do anything
i don't want to drink fourties anymore....i need just one meeting...to set me straight before christmas...
if anyone is reading or w/e, wouldn't mind hearing your opinion.
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[19 Nov 2007|02:33am] |
fucking strung out on no medication blows
can't stand feeling this way, so i'm looking forward to tomorrow :-)
why do i still give people the oppurtunity to prove themselves to me?
my mind feels like there's this huge crack through the middle of it. i hate being dependant on medication in order to function correctly. people seriously don't fucking know how it is and when they say they do, half of the fucking time their lieing, so why is it worth it to give these fucking people the oppurtunity?
i'm gonna snap one day, cause my mind really is a fragile thing inside. i can't even fall completely asleep. my mind feels like it's racing faster than the rest of my body. why do i give people the best image of me while they only show me ignorance and immaturity?
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| a lane changed? or left unchanged? |
[28 Oct 2007|10:42pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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np: Apoptygma Berzerk - Tuning In To The Frequency Of Your Soul "You And Me Agai |
] |
my horizons are beginning to narrow as i continue to look forward in things...
...half the time i'm suffering, however, i like it...
...i dunno how to explain that, i try to let things fall into place, though they fall to the ground, wtf?
i miss the old times, the past, the people, etc...
i definitely want to make a serious change ; my job, appearence, responsibility, etc...
there's a huge list of things that i would like to do, half the time i feel motivated, while on the other hand i feel stressed and distraught.
....i don't want to be addicted anymore, though the thoughts leak through the cracks....
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| the wreck of us.... |
[14 Oct 2007|01:20pm] |
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mood |
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 stressed |
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music |
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np: insekt - bambifucker (remix version) "Dependence Vol.2" |
] |
man, it's been a while since i updated this shit.
a lot of shit has been going on, i've been exploring drugs more.(no serious ones)
cutting some ends and trying to keep up w/ myself.
so far, i feel straggled and strained, been trying to get my barings though i've been useing almost everyday. i've been givin' a lot more responsibility at target, i'll be covering the electronics specialist position for about 2 weeks. setting the line and what not.
makes me feel that i'm going somewhere somehow, but at the same time i'm not.
my mind really hasn't been doing so well.
i've noticed that since the seasons are changing, that i'm developing those habbits again.
i'll update this later if i can figure out more to say.....:-/
(hung over as fucking hell)
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| how long is a moment? |
[27 Jun 2007|10:55am] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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music |
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np: Squarepusher - Boneville Occident "Go Plastic" |
] |
man
a big change has come into my life in which has brought me great comfort.
roxan and i have broken up for good!
since the whole break up, i've been feeling good, well the night of it i was a lil upset, but hey, now it's less stress in my life, cause the relationship was going no where at all.
during our aim convo, she even stooped down to my level w/ immature insults that sounded all "intellegent"
honestly
i'm better off.
i cut her completely out of my life, i'd rather not be friends w/ someone that could be as rediculous as her.
and apparently i do more drugs than jesse HA!
when i've done like...4 different drugs my whole entire life.
actually deciding to move to FL w/ my step dad and mom. maybe it'll be different there.
but i hate the weather
yesterday i had the best sober night, well, one of the best sober nights
but, in other news...
c/a/t's comming on the 7th of july
and i can't wait to fucking go
azoic's comming on the 13th of july
and backandtotheleft are commng in october
can't wait
but, for now...
i'm enjoying the single life :-D
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| w/e |
[16 Jun 2007|11:54pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Revolting Cocks - Attack Ships On Fire "Big Sexy Land" |
] |
over the passed few days i've been feeling really shitty...i've been taking it out on brandon's friends and what not, and mostly myself...
feels like depression is running rampant inside of me...
i talked to colly about this and about what i'm going through and she gave me some helpful advice and i'm doing something about it. lately i've been keeping myself clean from drugs/alchy, i was actually thinking about going to an old meeting i would go to in mapleshade. since i've been living here, after the thunder-cunt left me, i became a pothead, smoking everyday and sometimes everyother day. i noticed that i became quite, well i shouldn't say addicted, but used to doing it whenever it felt fit. i put a stop to that on wednesday i believe...
but, on another subject...
i've been kinda scared about my relationship w/ roxy, i'm concerned w/ how she feels. it really worries me. lately, i've been questioning somethings...nothing about breaking up w/ her or any of that shit....
just why her close old friends think so low of me, i wonder what she tells them of me. and then she tells me what her friends think of me so far, for instance they say that "i'm only going to hurt her emotions"
that's fucking bullshit, they don't know me, and i would dare never hurt her in any way.
i don't know why, but i kept thinking about what she said around the time when we were dating, not going out...she said that if i "burned" her, that she would get people after me, it's just been going through my mind and what not, she apologized a long time ago for saying it, but it still kinda bothers me now....
meanwhile...roxy and i haven't been seeing each other much and i fucking can't stand it at all...stressing the fuck out that i can't see her a lot, and the fact that i don't make much fucking money doesn't help at all. makes me feel even more pathetic as a boyfriend. i want her to be happy and relieved. just right now, i'd rather be w/ her. i'm tired of feeling this pain.
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[10 May 2007|03:35am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Velvet Acid Christ - Ghost Regen ( Fractured Coils Version ) "Wound CDM" |
] |
omg, i had such a fucking awsome time tonight at the club...i thought it was going to be bad, but i was wrong
i got to see my cupcake and dance w/ her all night long (felt like all night long), and whenever i would hold her in my arms, i would melt lol
i don't know what it is about this girl, everything she does just throws me into complete euphoria lol well, not everything literally, but generally speaking...
i can't wait to hang out w/ her on south street tomorrow, it's gonna be awsomes
and my fucking bday party's comming up too, on the 11th, which is a friday
i'm gonna try to have a lot of friends come, i wanna see my friend marc from highschool though, haven't spoken to him in ages, guess we lost touch.
well, anywho...i'm tired as fuck and i have a final to do at 10am
not gonna get much sleep, so, i'm just gonna inject straight caffeine into my veins once i wake up HA!
blah...
sleep....
it's....
TAKING OVER!
zzzZZZzzzzZZZzzzZZZzzzZZZ
my fat cat cozmo....he's awsome hehe
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| w/e |
[09 May 2007|12:17am] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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if that fucking person cared about my actions sooooooo badly....then he or she should've fucking approached me about it by now....
w/e
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[03 May 2007|05:06am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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Kyau & Albert - Are You Fine? (Original Mix) "Worldvibe (euphonic66.2)" |
] |
things have been getting better for me, and things have not...
i passed out at around 9.30 about 10.00am when i got off the phone w/ roxy, it was seriously like her voice was rocking me to sleep cause of how beautiful it sounds and somewhat cause i was already passing out, i'm surprised i fell asleep around that time, i haven't slept like that in ages and here i am, it's 5.09am here and i feel half tired, half awake, I HATE THAT!
it could be worse, well...it kinda feels like it's getting there, my classes really aren't working too well w/ me, or should i say, that i'm not working too well in those classes, it's like as soon as i moved back in this house, it was bad luck and my scores are shot to shit, meanwhile, i'm dealing w/ a bitchy mom that feels like she's putting me down every chance she gets, although i kinda feel that way, it's my fault for not putting a lot of effort in my chores around the house.
yesterday i almost got into a serious fight w/ brandon, he hit me first and then i punched him back and the shit was about to go down, at this point, i'm just getting completely tired of this shit at home, and i can't wait to move out, hopefully when that happens, some shit will go bac to normal
i miss roxy sooooo much right now, i wanted to talk to her all night last night, but i completely fell to the bed, hehe
she always manages to brighten up my days whenever i talk to her or when i'm w/ her, i'm longing to see her next...
our relationship is pretty solid and we've been doing good. just wish i saw her more, but life's just retarted like that, our 2 month anniversery is comming up on the 14th of may, right after my bday on may 11th, and then on the 18th of may, comes the horror convention.
a lot of stuff's going on at that point in may, and roxy and i will be able to see each other on the 14th :-D i'm soooo happy this passed monday night that i explained to her how i feel, my feelings for her have surpassed a lot of strength and have been brought up to this pinnacle in my emotions. my feelings will only grow stronger as the days gather about. it kinda feels like it was just yesterday when we started going out, and our 2 months is almost here, at times it feels like it's fast and sometimes it feels like it's slow, but whenever we spend time together, it goes by sooooooo fast.
i'm thinking about going back to sleep, i got a class in 4 and a half hours
lets hope this is an easy written exam.
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| just a small update... |
[20 Apr 2007|01:28am] |
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music |
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Aghast View - Trendsetter |
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yo
it's been forever since i updated this thing...
i finally got my internet, a working phone line, and cable back, fuck yes
roxanne and i have been going out since march 14th
we dated for like a week or two before that....everything's going well, just wish that college wasn't sooo gay...
i'm tired right now, so i'll put more later....
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| how could this come?... |
[08 Feb 2007|08:15am] |
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mood |
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groggy |
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music |
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Stabbing Westward - Save Yourself |
] |
waking up in the morning to vomit isn't too healthy...
i dunno what it was from...possibly from the little drinking i did last night, or the vegan food from the chinese restaurant, or from not eating right or barely at all, or the constant thoughts of ariel when i saw her last night at the club...i can't seem to get her out of my mind, it's hard...i can't even sleep because of it sometimes! i guess it was because i found someone that i shared something special w/, which wasn't like anyother girl, and she just left...
i think it's getting worse w/ every thought of her...
jesse, tiff, and kathy were trying to get me to feel better last night, they succeeded in the beginning, but when i got to the club and ariel was there...it changed
everything that i see seems to remind me of her...and half of the time, i would be doing something else, which means she wouldn't be in my mind at the time, but out of nowhere, she pops up...
i really have to drop this whole ariel thing...but, it's hard....
the depression's eating me up inside and i'm helpless to avoid it...
i don't want to regress...
i just want to relinquish these feelings....
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[06 Feb 2007|09:06am] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Psyclon Nine - Divine Infekt |
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as it turns out....
ARIEL LEFT ME LAST NIGHT
for the nastiest and grundgiest guy ever....
have a nice life you little bitch....
or what's left of it for that matter!
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| in a cage... |
[05 Feb 2007|08:34am] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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Snow in China - Face to Face |
] |
lately and quite recently, a lot of stuff have gone down, and i completely regret it ever happening...
last wednesday ariel and i decided to chill w/ an old friend of mine named Mike Birmingham, was pretty fun actually. we went to a few thriftshops and he bought a shit load of books and a new jacket, was pretty cool though...later on, i decided to teach brandon how to drive w/ Mike and Ariel in the car. it was kinda stressing me out about brandon driving, cause it's my car and i don't need any dents or w/e on it...so...as i was teaching him to drive, ariel kept playing around w/ me as well as mike, he kept joking around lol it was quite funny
but, then...as the teaching went on, i began to get real nervous about brandon's driving, and i screamed at him a couple of times. i kinda felt like how my dad was when he taught me to drive. then ariel started screaming at me not to scream at brandon, and then i began to get an attitude and started to curse...
after that, i let brandon drive back to the house in pennsauken so i could take him to work. he actually did pretty well, i'm proud of him for his first time. just wish i could be more laid back about it. so, brandon got ready for work and then we took him. after we took him to work, we decided to grab some sushi at the cherry hill mall. wasn't that bad, i got the raw spicy tuna, which tasted moderately, but then every piece i ate, i had a gag reflex and almost puked it up. lol mike and ariel were making fun of me the whole time. as we were in line to get the sushi, ariel and i had this retarted arguement that i was causing a scene about. i felt like shit at the time, but as the day grew on w/ the sushi, it got better, but that was going to change...
after we got done eating (by the way, mike bought me two tacos cause of the sushi lol) we decided to head to the liquor store to buy alchy, and it was a very impetuous decision. i wish i could relinquish the fact that we went there. so, i gave mike 5 bux for fourties and he bought a bottle of rumpleminze and we drank at my mom's...
however, i didn't think my choices through about the alcohol because i was sooo fixated on the need to drink, i can't even think of an excuse to why i drank, and if i did, it'd prolly be a lie.
mike helped me apply to two airlines that were in he vacinity of pennsauken. he helped me build my resume which was fun. but the night was about change for the worst...
i was talking to colleen on aim, and by this time i was already feeling the beer, i almost finished a fourty. i was interested on seeing if colleen and mike could meet up and hit it off, but that turned out to be a crazy feat...so, i went to go pick up colleen w/ mike and ariel.
it was ok driving home, i wasn't spinning out of control or driving recklessly, i know how to drive drunk responsibly...
then we got back to the house...colleen was on the couch studying for her new job. ariel, mike, and i were at the dining room table just drinking. at this point, i was being obnoxiously funny, but i didn't realize how it was affecting me or ariel for that matter.
then an hour or so passed and it came time for me to pick up my brother at work, ariel didn't want to come w/ me to pick up brandon and i didn't ask mike cause colleen was w/ me. i kinda don't remember what colleen and i were talking about because of the alcohol affecting me.
so we got home from picking up brandon from work and when we got in the door, we noticed that ariel or mike weren't in the dining room when we got there, mike was in the bathroom and ariel was in our room zipping up her pants, it was very shadey at the time so i flipped shit, plus i was intoxicated, so it was worse. i didn't know what to do at the time, i believe from what i saw, but i assumed it and ended up fucking everything up. i was looking mike dead in the eyes and asked if he was doing anything w/ her and he was laughing and acting very histerical and said "no"...meanwhile, i didn't think to clearly on this fact, but ariel had her period. so, i put two and two together and realized that nothing went on. she told me that they were just drinking and talking. then after mike and colleen left, it got worse.
i started saying a lot of shit when i was drunk; i.e, rambling on about bullshit, saying that i wanted to live out on the street, saying very depressing and arguementative things to ariel. i can't believe i acted like that and then...when she tried to take to booze away from me, i got violent and i grabbed her wrist hard. i regret doing this soooo much. so, i passed out on the couch. she ended up crying herself to sleep that night....
i fucking regret that night sooooo much, i can't believe it all happened to me. and ever since then, ariel hasn't been talking to me much. sry if i get very jealous, but guys get jealous and i'm trying to curve my jealousy. but lately, it's like she doesn't wanna spend time w/ me, but wants to hang out w/ mike more. i told her how i feel and expressed my feelings to her, but she would give me one word or two word answers. which isn't good, i miss talking to her like we used to...
i fucking hate being soooo paranoid and shit. one of the times mike and ariel hung out, which was the night after, mike decided to take ariel to a diner for some food. she left without saying goodbye...
then the next night came up when ariel went over to mikes while i was at work...she tells me that they were driving around for an hour or two, but i'm a lil skeptical about that. when mike got here to drop ariel off, his truck was in front of the house for a good 2 or 3 minutes. and that got me suspicious of something. i hate my jealousy and my paranoia, it's a deadly weapon when it pops up, cause it makes me very uncomfortable and fucking scares the shit out of me.
i don't like this distance between us, it's like a gap, that she could careless about, she doesn't talk to me about how she feels or anything. it's just not right. it's tearing me apart inside and she doesn't even show any sense of caring or a feeling to ask me if i'm alright.
ehh, i don't know what to do anymore, i don't wanna sound like a babbling idiot, but this is what's on my mind.
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| finally found the lyrics... |
[04 Feb 2007|11:37am] |
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mood |
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stressed |
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music |
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Z-Prochek - Outside Acts |
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Rage awakening deep inside of me
Making me aware
To set my feelings free
What used to be concealed is now brought up
Visibly taking over me
When I see what you are doing
Something's growing frightening me
I can't hold it for much longer
Stop your actions immediately
Step aside
Do your best to make up to what you have done
Then I'll be sending your petition for mercy
Spare me my anger and maybe I will find a way
To forgive you for proving such disrespect
I have seen it for a long time
I've been indulgent with my eyes shut
I can't hold this for much longer
I have tired of this proven fact
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| has anything changed? |
[30 Jan 2007|11:44pm] |
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music |
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np: System Syn - To Be Nothing "Premeditated" |
] |
well, haven't really updated in a long time, a lot has changed, i guess.....
holding two jobs, well, one and a half jobs, i guess....Target in Delran...and Power Windows and Siding in Cherry Hill....
things are going....well...they're going...rocky at some points, then calm at others, and then fun rarely...living like this sucks, but that's the price i pay for what i've chosen...
the budget is strained and tighten to it's fullest...but, we're surviving. we go food shopping everynow and then, sometimes and rarely we'll eat out, but that's just one part of the story...
ariel is now unemployed from Heakin Research Facility in the Cherry Hill mall...she's currently looking for a job, but i haven't seen her look or witness any type of stride toward that lately, she's been getting all properly dressed to go visit some of these jobs...i respect that a lot, i just want results, who knows how long we'll be living here w/ the bills not getting paid? it feels like this is one sided most of the time w/ the money and bills, it's basically up to my mom, step dad, and i, not ariel...but, that's neither here nor there...
i know that at some point, she will read this...but, oh well, she'll read it...
now, i don't know what to write...ugh, i hate when this happens...i think it's because she'll end up reading what i type and it makes me insecure w/ my feelings.
now she wants me to sleep...i'll be back
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| continuation.... |
[24 Oct 2006|01:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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Sneaker Pimps - Walking Zero |
] |
i'm back
just had to take care of some everyday things...
just recently i had to format my hdd, which contained over 200 gb of music strictly from the internet, i hate that i had to do that when i could've just went through msconfig in dos to change something, it's really gay, and now i can't get that prgrm to work cause of my firewall. fucking firewall is gay as shit, i adjusted the settings, i just need help w/ it allowing me to access dc
ugh
ARGH!
in other news...
my wifeypoo, Ariel Becker, has come to stay w/ me for a period of time before we move out...
after one day of her living here, my nazi ass rents are being assholes to her, it just bothers me
cause if she goes...i go
and i don't care about joy or my father if they revert to that
chris is there for help and care, i respect him for that
just..i dunno anymore
chris is still debating on going back to texass to take care of his son Cayden...he really came into this house at a very bad time, cause the shit is hitting the fan. and my father's fucking it up. as is joy
they need to realize that i can make some certain decisions, today i had my first serious court decision, it was for my unvalid drivers insurance, that i complete blame on my dad, cause he "thought" that it was in the car. what a fucking douche?
my mom denied ariel living at her house cause of my mom having responsibility for ariel and she could barely afford having brandon live there, it's quite hard for my mom now, knowing that she still doesn't have a job and is going to school...it makes me overly worried about my mom.
i'm taking college by the horns and i don't need my fucking rents' help(my dad and step mom)
i love the help from my actual mom and step dad, it's a lot more supportive than the shit i get from joy and dad
i really wanted to punch Joy in the face several times today. she's such a two faced bitch that needs to quit drinking, cause it'll kill her eventually. same w/ my fucking dad, he's going to have a heart attack from all the shit he does.
i believe joy's side of the family is falling apart brick by brick, slowly but surely
cause my dad and step mom are deteriorating, and i don't like how they treat allie.
it pisses me off to hear them fight. and hear allie screaming
and also, it aggravates me even more when my father shoves her to teh ground, i now know how jason felt against my dad.
my dad and step mom want everything their way, all perfect and just teh way they want(and yes, i just said teh again)
they are in for a rude awakening when we all leave them.
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[21 Oct 2006|11:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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Terrorfakt - Deconstruction |
] |
well, lemme see where to start....
my older brother finally came back home from texass, leaving cayden behind w/ his ex-mother-in-law...i miss the lil guy...chris, my older brother, is trying to get his life together up here, so far, he kinda regrets comming up here, i don't blame him w/ how my father is. right off the bat my father and chris had an argument, teh drama begins, ugh, i fucking can't stand it, but i'm gonna help chris to get talking to the old crew again, i.e, jesse, poptart, melinda, lisa, etc
on the other hand, my lil brother currently has a new g/f, surprised the hell of out me, never really thought he could find someone like her, her name's angie, i wish them good luck w/ what they're trying to find in themselves, he's almost finished his movie as well, just waiting for shit, i dunno....
my dad's still the same old asshole as before, lately he's been saying that i'm "going backwards" and that i'm "regressing" cause of my rehab situations in the past few years, he's the one that makes me feel that way, oh yeah, and i stopped seeing my therapist, felt like it really wasn't doing anything for me, i wouldn't mind seeing him one last time, but i currently feel that the therapy isn't worth it, lemme find out this shit on my own, that's what life's all about...
i'm also working at halloween express in marlton, been working there for quite a long time now, well, only a few weeks, it's starting to get unbareable, but i gotta get used to working, cause that's what i'm going to be doing most of my life, unfortunately....
just recently, which was last night....ariel, jesse, tiff, and i took a venture to edgewater to see the nightmare before christmas in 3d, it was definitely worth the drive. heh
we were so close to nyc, it was a beautiful site for us to see, especially when teh buildings reflections were shown on the pitch black water, it was lovely, i wanted to hold ariel tightly and watch it w/ her as we embraced each other....this trip really brought all of us together, we finally went on that double date thing, i'm kinda glad that i didn't go to the my parasites show, i'd rather be w/ jesse, tiff, and most importantly, ariel. the trip was by far worth the time, i even got to drive home too on the turnpike for like 2 hours lol
we finally got back at around 5.00am lol
and what i really liked about the trip, was that we didn't drink...i may say sometimes that i do have cravings, but i'm glad that i don't fullfill those cravings most of the time, cause if i did, i'd have to go to AA meetings again, there's nothing wrong w/ them, but i wanna be able to pick myself up off the floor from drinking...
ariel and i have been doing well, we have our querks sometimes, but we enjoy every moment we share together...just recently we had our 20th anniverary, which was yesterday :-D
well, that's all, till next time
PEACE
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| it's been a while lol |
[21 Sep 2006|08:18pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Soil and Eclipse - Meridian |
] |
hello
yeah, i haven't updated this thing in fucking forever!
so far, i'm in college now! yeah, i know, a big fucking step for me, but i'm taking my sweet old time w/ it
i have a new g/f at the moment
her name's Ariel and she's from Browns Mills, NJ. it's like 45 mins from my dads house, but i feel it's worth it
lately i've been trying to keep myself busy w/ schoolwork and/or other things
i'm gonna try to avoid any anxiety attacks and what not that would lead me back to rehab, and i don't need to go back there again, because lately, i've been feeling a bit depressed at times, and at other times really happy, but lately, depressed.
i try to get my head out of it and focus more on school and chilling w/ friends and seeing Ariel.
sometimes i feel like i don't please Ariel, and it kinda scares me, cause i don't wanna lose her, she means the world to me
just recently my step mom's grandmom had passed, i didn't really know her all that well, come to think of it, i never spoken to her, but w/e
right now i'm going through a hard time w/ money and spending time w/ Ariel. the distance is a pain in the fucking ass lol
i hate it, but soon we'll be together, seeing each other everyday
i'm trying to develope something in the music business
i'm trying to get together a music group that's like synthpop or w/e
i'm thinking about joining Digetret and doing vocals like Andy from Icon of Coil, but i gotta speak w/ Ryan, Kella's husband about joining the group and practicing
but, i'm gonna leave cause i don't feel like typing anymore and i gotta call Ariel soon
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| and the days go on... |
[16 Mar 2006|09:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
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God Module - Altered Image |
] |
well, it's been a long-ass time since i've updated this thing, so here goes....
i just got back from an AA meeting, my 3rd one this week, and usually i'd go w/ my mom to these, but i decided to go to this one in maple shade alone...
i haven't gone to one alone in a while since the double trouble meetings at hampton, and i should stop over there sometime when they have them, i kinda forgot when they are...but anywho...
this one meeting was a good help to me, i heard a lot of stories, just like in other meetings, but these were kinda different, i was alone and didn't have my mom to talk to which made it feel different. it made me realize that there were other things than drinking/partying and what not, like things i could keep on doing that wouldn't get boring, maybe i should stop drinking? i'm not even 21 yet and i've been going to meetings since i was 17, but i think it's kinda early for me to stop drinking, i dunno what to do about it...
on the other hand, things have changed for my older brother...
he's getting divorced from his wife Heather, whom is a psychotic-controlling bitch w/ a serious mental illness, but w/e about her...
Chris will be comming back here to live w/ us in October, which is really fucking awsome!
he's decided that he will plan to talk to mom and get closer w/ her again and also, he wants to start talking to Jesse again and what not, that's pretty fucking cool. when he gets here, i'll hopefully be in my first semester of college, oh woot! lol
tomorrow i have to take this BCC Placement Test for college, i'm kinda nervous about taking it and i haven't studied for it, so i hope i do good and end up getting some easy classes. i'm kinda scared to start college, i heard many people do better in college than in HS, but we'll see on that one...
oh yeah, i'm debating on getting some new ink soon, i'm thinking about getting the Feindflug logo on my lower arm where the pale part is, but i dunno if i should get it, it might complicate things w/ me getting a job and what not, but hopefully i'll be working at Wegmens before i get it.
well, that's it for me, i'll probably update again in the following month or so...
~PEACE~
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[12 Dec 2005|08:11am] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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Bigod-20 - Be Liquid |
] |
well...
i just recently graduated out of my rehabilitation prgrm at hampton, for the 2nd time this year. made me feel better w/ a more positive look on what i want to do w/ my life. and on the other hand, i just started this homeschooling prgrm that's not that bad. it's just i have 2 packets full of work to take care of. ugh! but, w/e. i gotta take care of it to pass either way. and then the club...oh man, hahaha
gonna be hopefully going back there this friday or either this wednesday, i dunno about wednesday though, cause it's right after i talk to my therapist. but, we'll see. it'll kick sooooooo much ass when i get back there. i just don't wanna see those nastey, overweight chicks wearing tight clothing, cause i heard from jesse that there's a lot of them there. ((barf))
no more shamooos please. lol but, anywho...
i actually woke up early today, don't know why, but my fucking arm muscles are killing me. i think it was because i went into that emo-screamo-dancing-pit, i would say it was a bunch of lil emo kids just doing karate moves and shit. i tried to start a pit but, they kept dancing, so i said fuck it. lol
i managed to take out a few emo fux, but, it was crazy and i got to see a lot of old faces that i grew up w/ in pennsauken. :-)
that's all for me...
~P_EACE~
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| i say goooooooooo |
[26 Nov 2005|12:46pm] |
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mood |
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annoyed |
] |
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music |
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Agonoize - Slave to Lust |
] |
yeah...i've decided to update this fucking journal
well, everything's turned in my life, feels like it's upside down and shat on at some points. but, i guess that's how life works man. i feel i gotta get through this fucking part to live a better life, it's pretty fucking annoying at this point, feels like the same thing that happened last year.
my rents aren't making it anyeasier for me, especially when i wanna go out and fucking dance and shit, they always stick to the assumption that someone's gonna slip me ecstacet and/or anyother substances, i'm fucking tired of this shit and it fucking annoys me, i'm always being forced to stay home on these club nights just because they're "worried" about me. this prgrm's helping, i just wish my rents would get a fucking clue, cause it's not the 90s anymore. it's sooo fucking annoying and when i think about it, makes me wanna punch the shit out of someone till near death. i still can't believe last night when i made the 3rd attempt at going clubbing, that my rents were gonna kick me out just cause i was defieing them, makes me feel wanted...NOT!
it's all cause of this school thing, last night when i brought it up, my dad showed my report card and shit, ugh, that was fucking annoying, i'd love to see his fucking report card for the 1st marking period when he was a senior. he's becoming a paranoid schizo, i swear, it's sooooooooo fucking annoying when he or other family try to control my decisions. it makes me feel like i'm a concealed person locked away in this fucking cage forever, but when my friends save me, i actually feel wanted in this world, gina, colly, tiffy, jesse. i'm about to hand him my meds and say take two and call me in the morning, hopefully he'll wake the fuck up. and then my mom wants me to go back and live w/ her, but that's a whole new ballgame guys....
taken by ME!
when they came here the first time...
i might just update later on so, look out for it fuckers...
~@~@~@~@PEACE@~@~@~@~
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???????? Eat this magical chemical and you'll grow monkies out of your ass!
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| meine neue scheisse! :-D |
[10 Nov 2005|05:03pm] |
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mood |
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artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Spetsanz - Evader |
] |
well, haven't updated in a longgggggggg time, or w/e, been doing other things than be on the computer all this time.
started a new prgrm on monday i believe, the time has gone, and i don't know where it flew, i basically am flowing w/ it, or at least trying to that is. :-D
this new prgrm's created a new view for me on life in general. made me think more clearly than i used to, and i get to control my own actions and uses than what my mind comes up w/...and it disturbed me quite a lot. this prgrm's helping me a lot in my mind, and i'm soooo thankful for it, i just wish the person that inspired me was there, but...as time goes on, i'll see him down the road sometime...we'll see. :-D
whew, man, typing up all that? i must have no life whatsoever, but that's just my conscience talking! :-D
i'm gonna start to go to meetings and objects that'll help me in the long run....:-D
mind's been racing a shit load....
now i must relax...and take care of my heart...
before i relapse....:-D
oh yeah...good news! to myself!
this girl rika, whom i will forever adore, is forever in my heart till death...though, i'm not tied up now in anything, i'm enjoying my SANITY!! lol meine Rika ist sehr gut zu mehr! :-D
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
~!~!~!~!I/\/5|G/\/UX!~!~!~!~!~
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| good song |
[17 Oct 2005|09:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
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New Order - Slow Jam |
] |
As I look at the morning sky
Today the wind is blowing hard
See that bird is floating high
Pretty soon it will be tired
I spent a day all by myself
A rich man without his wealth
Sometimes I get it wrong
But I'm not the only one
The afternoon was very clear
The sun was beating down on me
I got thirsty for a beer
That I had to go to sea
The sea was very rough
It made me feel sick
But I like that kind of stuff
It beats arithmetic
I don't want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can't get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can't get enough of this
The early evening mists
Look beautiful to me
Was sweeter than a kiss
I wish you all could see
I'm a long long way from home
But this photograph of you
Even though it's monochrome
Tells me what I should do
So I got up on my feet
I knew it would be alright
For my clothes were looking beat
In the middle of the night
I don't want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can't get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can't get enough of this
I don't want the world to change
I like the way it is
Just give me one more wish
I can't get enough of this
When it gets to be alive
And not just still survive
To hit and not to miss
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
I can't get enough of this
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| the days... |
[10 Oct 2005|11:26pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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sad |
] |
| [ |
music |
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syntax error - these nights |
] |
i come home...ugh
everyone's all up my ass like i'm a complete drug addict/criminal and i hate it!
i know how to control myself, DICKHEADS! if you don't like me, don't talk to me
ASSHOLES!
don't treat me like a negative!
i know right from wrong!
and i have my rights!
ASSHOLES!
~PEACE
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| well...FUN for ME |
[06 Oct 2005|10:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
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SISTER MACHINE GUN - EVERYTHING |
] |
ugh
gotta love how family can manipulate you into what you can do...
it's all about love
ugh
i hate that word
just because you know someone that well, doesn't mean you're a fucking god
don't try and manipulate me...
ugh
i hate people who think they can control my dreams...
it's fucking annoying...
~PEACE
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| lovely, wonderful, DRAMA-FILLED-DAY |
[06 Oct 2005|01:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
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ABSURD MINDS - DIE STIMME |
] |
gotta hate living with RENTS
jesus-christ
but, i will forever love joy and my father
drama's always around the corner wherever i go, and it's annoying
i'm about to say, if you want to give me drama, i'll break out a sword, right in front of you
and stab you in the neck, that's how bad i hate it
but, i gotta stabalize my anger
so, what i do
is....
work out
make music
have sex
listen to music
and many...other...
COPING SKILLS
yo
i could survive out on my own for about 2 years and no one would notice me
lol
that'd be fun
:-D
you just gotta use your mind...
lets say...
you wanna be a fucking professional fighter...
i can train yah...
i charge at least 10 bux
at least 10 an hour as well, it all depends on what yah want to know...
ugh
i need some food, but i don't feel like going to the fridge...
i'd rather take vitamins
:-D
omg, the real world is pretty easy
just gotta manipulate your environment and not fuck up...
the ignorant people that believe that they will survive anything...wait till a war comes, yah know?
i'm just saying hypothetically
i have this power, but i know how to supress it, and i love it!
:-D
people are like computers...
the more you know...
the more they are at becomming a good weapon...
:-D
try and challenge me at anything buddy....:-O
cause, pain always follows confusion lol
all depends on how you train your body...
but, whatever
i love bambling on lol
but...i will go
and have some food...yeah lol
take care everyone, and lead a good life before you die, honestly...do it!
~PEACE
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| new slang.... |
[05 Oct 2005|12:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
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drained |
] |
| [ |
music |
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same fucking depeche mode song :-P |
] |
blindc0axialmind: yo
The schizotron: yop yo yo
blindc0axialmind: yop?
blindc0axialmind: i'm gonna use that for a long time
blindc0axialmind: i'll post it somewheres
The schizotron: word on the streets be its da new slang, nigga
The schizotron: lol, idk
blindc0axialmind: that word's just tooo damned funny
The schizotron: typo
gotta love yah twitch! :-P
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[05 Oct 2005|12:24am] |
| [ |
mood |
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sleep-deprived, girl-deprived. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Depeche Mode - Enjoy The Silence (EWAN PEERS) |
] |
whew
man
i love
money
girls
pornography
lubrication
fetish movies
and....
A SHIT LOAD OF SYNTH-EQUIP.!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
SYNTH-CONTROLLERS....DRUM-MACHINES....KORGS....YAMAHAS....ALESIS....OMG
I WANT YOU ALL IN MY PANTS....WAAAAAAAAAAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
yeah
think i'm crazy...
listen to our music comming up
i'll release a sample
and only a sample, just a tease
:-P
just don't fuck with us, or there would be hell to pay, whoever tours with us...look at us funny, and we'll fuck you up in many ways before you go down....LOL
LONG LIVE 242!
take care everyone
~PEACE
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fetish_divide's journal
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